


You Think Your Dreams Are The Same As Mine (I Don't Love You But I Always Will)

by BloodInTheFields



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-09
Updated: 2015-04-09
Packaged: 2018-03-22 01:50:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3710383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodInTheFields/pseuds/BloodInTheFields
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I wrote 2 versions of this one-shot: 2nd person (Clarke's POV; Ch. 1) and 3rd person (Ch. 2). Read what suits you best!</p><p> </p><p>"Indra finds you in the woods, four days after your self-imposed exile from Camp Jaha.</p><p>“The Commander is dying,” she says.</p><p>You feel the blood freeze in your veins."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter one is written in the 2nd person; that's how the story was originally written. Since I know quite a lot of people don't like this POV, I've also written it in the 3rd person. That would be chapter two. Let me know what you think, and which version works best!

Indra finds you in the woods, four days after your self-imposed exile from Camp Jaha.

 

“The Commander is dying,” she says.

 

You feel the blood freeze in your veins.

 

You have a choice now. Go with Indra or walk away.

 

The general offers nothing more, no explanation, no plea for you to follow her. She stands there and waits for you to make a decision.

 

You think of Lexa.

 

Lexa, the Commander, ruthless, heartless, brave, determined, _treacherous_.

 

Lexa, the girl, soft, understanding, caring, capable of love.

 

You don’t know how to reconcile the two. You wonder if Lexa is the one who sent Indra to find you, if she is the one who asked to see you.

 

Lexa’s eyes, hard, unblinking, piercing through you.

 

Lexa’s lips, gentle, warm, moving against yours.

 

“May we meet again,” she had said.

 

_May we meet again_.

 

__

 

Indra leads you through the forest, her pace fast and her jaw clenched so hard you’re afraid she’ll pop a vein. She doesn’t talk to you; in fact it’s almost as if you’re not here at all. Indra has never been fond of you anyway.

 

You want to ask what happened, why is Lexa dying, but your mouth is sewn shut by the resentment you feel for the Commander and the Grounders.

 

The walk to TonDC is short—you had no idea you were so close—and soon enough you can see the wall built around the village.

 

Once you’re inside, the silence is deafening. There is no one outside. The village seems dead and it fills you with a sense of dread.

 

Indra stops in front of the Commander’s tent and she speaks a few words to the guard posted there. He nods and walks away without a word. The general turns to you and gestures for you to go in.

 

Apprehensively, you obey.

 

__

 

The air is stuffy in the tent. There are candles lit and they cast a soft glow. Your eyes find the bed immediately and you have to put a hand on your mouth to stifle a gasp of surprise.

 

Lexa is lying on top of the furs, white gauze covering her chest and abdomen. She appears to be sleeping. You approach the bed cautiously, your hand still on your mouth, and settle beside the Commander.

 

There is perspiration on her temples, and her skin is pale—so very pale.

 

Slowly, you let your hand fall at your side, and then reach out to touch Lexa’s forehead. She is cold, too cold. You throw one of the furs on top of her, delicately, before going back outside.

 

Indra is waiting for you.

 

“What happened?” you ask.

“The Commander was attacked yesterday by someone in the village.”

“What? Why?”

“Because of what she did at the Mountain. It may come to you as a surprise, but some of the Grounders did not appreciate that the Commander ordered the troops to retreat. They wanted to fight. They wanted vengeance. They did not like that Heda turned her back on the Skaikru.”

“One of them tried to kill her?”

 

The general looks away and nods sharply.

 

“Dolus was one of her guards. He took her by surprise yesterday morning and stabbed her three times before anyone could react. He is now awaiting death in a cage. We have traitors among us, Clarke of the Sky people.”

“But your healers; can’t they help?”

“They have done everything that they could but Heda has lost too much blood. Her body is not strong enough to fight for much longer. She is getting weaker every hour. It will not be long now.”

 

Your head is spinning. This can’t be happening. You may hate Lexa but you don’t want her dead. You never wanted her dead.

 

“We asked your people to help us but they refused.”

 

Indra’s words snap you out of your thoughts.

 

“What?”

“Your people refused to help us perform a blood transfer.”

“Blood transfusion. That would work. It would make her stronger. Wait, why did they refuse?”

 

Indra glares at you and you feel dumb for asking.

 

“They don’t want to help because Lexa betrayed our alliance,” you guess.

“Yes. They said that they do not want anything to do with the Grounders anymore. Your mother was quite adamant that not one of the Sky people should help us.”

 

Her dark eyes blaze with anger and you shiver. If Lexa dies, there is no telling what kind of retribution the Grounders will seek against your people. Dolus stabbed his own Commander for the decision that she made and you think it is much more of a punishment than Lexa deserved for her betrayal. There is no way you are going to stand there and just watch her die.

 

“Give me a horse. I’m going back to Camp Jaha to gather medical supplies that I will need to do a blood transfusion.”

 

If Indra is bothered by you giving her orders, she doesn’t show it. She motions for the guard who was posted in front of Lexa’s tent to come closer and speaks to him in Trigedasleng. A few minutes later, the man comes back with a light brown horse and he helps you get on it.

 

“I will be back as soon as possible,” you promise as he hands you the reins. “Take good care of her while I’m gone.”

 

You leave a trail of dust behind you as the horse races out of TonDC.

 

__

 

Camp Jaha is less than an hour away on horseback.

 

“Open the gate,” you yell as you arrive.

 

The guards do as you say and you don’t stop your horse until you’re in the middle of the camp. Your mother comes out of her tent, and she smiles when she sees you. A second later, as you dismount the horse, you see her smile turn into a frown. She has probably just realized there is only one place you could have gotten that horse.

 

“Clarke?” she asks questioningly.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” you yell, uncaring that others are watching.

 

Abby takes you by the arm and leads you into her tent, where Kane is studying a map.

 

“Clarke, what is this? I haven’t seen you in days and you—“

“You’re refusing to save Lexa’s life?” you cut her off.

“I—“

“What is wrong with you? You know we can save her; why wouldn’t you help?”

“Lexa left us all to die in Mount Weather.”

 

You stare at her incredulously for a moment.

 

“She is a child; you are letting a child die. She is my age, mom!”

“She condemned us all to a terrible fate, Clarke. The Commander is no child. She betrayed us. She left us behind.”

“Well you’re here now, aren’t you? You didn’t die.”

 

Kane stands awkwardly a few feet behind your mother. Abby continues:

 

“We didn’t die because you saved us, Clarke. But look at what it did to you. You are broken, because of her.”

 

You shake your head and take a step back.

 

“No. No. Lexa didn’t break me. I am not broken. Lexa was not the one who killed my father. She was not the one who sent me down here in the first place. Lexa did what she did to protect her people. I would have made the same choice. Do you hear me? _I would have made the same choice_.”

 

You realize that you are vocalizing what you have known but refused to acknowledge ever since Lexa said “what you would have done.” She was right. If the deal had been offered to you, you would have chosen to save your people and let the Grounders be slaughtered. It hurts you to acknowledge it, to face the truth, because the decision would have torn you apart but you still would have made it. You would have left Lexa behind.

 

“So help me, mom, if Lexa dies I am holding you responsible and I will _not_ be here to see what happens next with the Grounders.”

 

You don’t wait for an answer and storm out of the tent, almost knocking over Bellamy who was listening to your argument with your mother.

 

“Clarke, wait!” he says as you walk past him and in the direction of the part of the Ark where the medical supplies are kept.

“I don’t have time to talk, Bellamy.”

“I can go back to TonDC with you and help you with all the medical stuff if you need me.”

“Fine, whatever, but we have to hurry. I saw Lexa and…” your voice breaks. “It doesn’t look good.”

“She’ll be fine,” he tries to reassure you. “She’s a fighter.”

 

You can’t get back on that horse fast enough.

 

__

 

On the way back to TonDC, Bellamy tells you that he had no idea about Lexa. He has not seen Indra in Camp Jaha because he was out hunting for the most part of yesterday. You tell him you’re not mad at him and urge the horse to go faster.

 

Indra is waiting for you outside of the Commander’s tent and she hurries you inside as soon as your feet touch the ground. Nyko is by Lexa’s side, pressing a wet cloth to her forehead gently.

 

Indra orders him to step aside and he obeys immediately. Bellamy looks terribly nervous and you touch his arm to reassure him—and also to reassure yourself.

 

“I don’t suppose you know what blood type Lexa is?”

 

The general glares at you and you shake your head and sigh.

 

“Well, let’s hope we’ll find a right match. Does Lexa have any family around?”

“No,” Indra grunts.

“Great. Okay. Do you want to donate your blood then?”

“I will do whatever is necessary to save Heda’s life.”

 

There is not much for Bellamy to do, but he stays close and hands you whatever you need when you ask for it. You watch as the blood goes from Indra’s arm to Lexa’s. You force yourself to keep your eyes off of Lexa’s face—still so pale—and ask Nyko to fetch some food for Indra. You wait long minutes in silence, listening to Lexa’s rapid and shallow breathing. Indra remains stoic, unperturbed by the blood slowly leaving her body. When you think it has been long enough and that you shouldn’t take more blood from Indra, you take out the tube from her arm and wrap her arm with a thin strip of gauze. Nyko returns a moment later and he sits by Indra to offer her food. Bellamy squeezes your shoulder and you smile faintly at him.

 

Now you have to wait and watch over Lexa to see if her body rejects the blood or if you’re lucky enough to have chosen the right person to donate.

 

No one moves; everyone waits.

 

__

 

You sigh in relief as you see that Lexa’s cheeks have gained some color. It’s been two hours since Indra gave some of her blood, but the Commander is still weak and asleep. You know she needs more but Indra can’t give too much blood either. You think that, at least, Lexa is a bit stronger now than she was when you arrived earlier today.

 

Nyko asks you and Bellamy to wait outside while he changes Lexa’s bandages.

 

You take a deep breath once you’re out in the open air and it makes you feel a bit better.

 

“She’ll be fine,” Bellamy says. “Don’t worry.”

“I’m not worried.”

 

Bellamy scoffs at you and you punch him lightly in the arm. He looks at you like he _knows_ though, and maybe Octavia has told him about you and Lexa because he wasn’t here to witness it himself. But you really don’t want to ask him.

 

The two of you wait until Nyko is finished, but then Bellamy says that he needs to head back to Camp Jaha and Indra gives orders for him to be accompanied by a group of warriors.

 

You hug Bellamy and thank him for coming along. Once he and the warriors are out of your sight, you head back inside of the Commander’s tent.

 

__

 

Lexa stirs but does not wake and you wait another two hours before asking Indra if she feels strong enough to give more of her blood. You know you have a margin, you haven’t taken too much the first time, but there are delays to respect, except you can’t afford to wait. Indra is willing to give as much blood as it takes—of course she is.

 

You tell her to lie down on the bed and she looks at you as if you’ve grown another head.

 

“This is the Commander’s bed.”

“Indra, you are going to feel very weak and you will need to be lying down. I don’t care whose bed this is. We need to do this now.”

 

She finally agrees and does as you tell her.

 

“Hopefully what I can take from you will be enough.”

“Why isn’t she awake?” Indra asks in her usual grumpy tone.

“Her body needs to rest. If we’re lucky she might wake in a few hours. But she’ll be very weak.”

 

Indra nods and she says nothing else. Once you are done, you tell her not to get up and you bring her some more food.

 

“Stay here, Indra. You need to rest. Lexa is not going to wake up now so you can sleep if you want and no one but me will ever know about it, okay?”

 

Her glare makes you smile softly, because it is exactly what you expected of her. You take the chair on the other side of the room and bring it closer to the bed where the two Grounders are resting.

 

“I will keep everyone out of this tent, except the healer so that he can change Lexa’s bandages.”

 

Indra nods, and she closes her eyes soon after.

 

__

 

You’re almost asleep on your chair when Lexa sighs and her hand moves slowly, fisting the fur beneath her.

 

“Lexa?” you whisper.

 

Indra startles and wakes instantly, a hand on the knife at her side.

 

“It’s okay,” you say quickly. “How are you feeling?”

“I am fine.”

 

The general gets up, slowly, and takes a few shaky steps.

 

“You should eat more and go to your tent to sleep some more. You will feel a bit weak for a few hours but it’s perfectly normal.”

“Yes. I will send you the healer for Heda.”

“Thank you.”

 

__

 

Lexa wakes up an hour later, while your back is turned. You’re actually washing your face in a basin full of water that the healer brought in for you so you don’t even see it right away. It’s when you turn back after drying your face that your eyes meet hers and you startle.

 

“Lexa?”

“So we meet again,” she says.

 

Her voice is feeble and raspy but she is conscious and that’s very good news. You sit on the side of the bed and put your hand on her forehead. She lets you do it and keeps her eyes on your face.

 

“You don’t have a fever so that’s a good sign. How are you feeling?”

“Why are you here?” Lexa asks instead of answering your question.

 

You pour water in a cup and bring it to Lexa’s lips. She drinks slowly, watching you the whole time.

 

“Why are you here, Clarke,” she repeats when you put the cup down.

“I heard you were hurt. Dying, actually.”

 

She nods and closes her eyes.

 

“Sleep,” you say, “you need to regain your strength. You’ve lost a lot of blood.”

“Dolus?”

“He’s been arrested. I suppose your people are waiting for you to get better and kill him yourself.”

 

It is meant to be sarcastic but Lexa nods again, seriously, and you sigh.

 

“How long have you been here?”

“I don’t know. Half a day, maybe.”

“You should rest, Clarke. I am fine.”

“You almost bled out. Your injuries are serious. You’re not fine, Lexa.”

“I am alive. Time will heal me. I thank you for your help but you are not needed here anymore.”

 

She is dismissing you and suddenly you are angry with her.

 

“What is your problem? You were _dying_ ; you need someone to look over you!”

 

But Lexa does not even open her eyes and you leave the tent, fuming.

 

__

 

It takes you quite a bit of time to realize why Lexa has been so cold with you. When you understand it, you go back to her tent and find her on the bed, staring at the space above her.

 

“You don’t get to feel guilty.”

“Clarke?”

 

She seems genuinely confused.

 

“You want me away from you because you feel guilty about what you did in the Mountain.”

“Clarke—“

“No, I’m not done. You can’t just send me away because you can’t face me. It was your choice, Lexa. You left me and my people behind. You thought I was going to die. You refused to help me. And now, now I am helping you and you feel guilty that I can do what you couldn’t.”

“I am tired.”

“I don’t care. If you want to sleep, sleep. But don’t tell me to leave just to relieve your guilt. I survived. I _survived_ you leaving me behind, Lexa. You deal with it.”

 

The two of you don’t speak after that. You watch as Lexa falls asleep.

 

__

 

Four days later and Lexa can finally stand up. Her legs are strong enough to support her and she walks, albeit slowly and only in her tent. She absolutely refuses to go outside.

 

“My people can’t see me that weak, Clarke,” she tells you over and over again.

 

You stop arguing with her about it after a day. Lexa doesn’t try to send you away again. She rarely looks you in the eye, though. It seems that you were right and she feels guilty. You think she should. You will never forgive her for what happened in Mount Weather. You’re pretty sure she does not expect you to.

 

__

 

Time passes and you stay in TonDC. The Grounders accept you among them. They respect you for what you did in Mount Weather. They respect you for saving their Heda’s life. You are still angry over their betrayal and they seem to sense it, because they stay away from you unless you actively seek them out.

 

Lexa appears in front of her people a week and a half after she was almost stabbed to death. She is still far from her usual self, but the people needs reassurance. Her attacker, Dolus, is taken to the tree in front of the entire village. When he sees you, he yells that he did that to avenge the Sky people. You have to turn away and leave. You cannot watch him die.

 

__

 

Ten days later, Lexa comes to find you in the tent the Grounders have set up for you.

 

“Thank you,” she says abruptly.

“For what?”

“Saving my life. We both know you did not have to. Not after what I did.”

“Why did you do it, Lexa? I know that some of your people would have died if you had refused the deal. I know that. But… you sacrificed people in TonDC. You were ready to sacrifice others in Mount Weather. Yet you changed your mind.”

“What is done is done, Clarke. It is not helpful to dwell on the past.”

“I _killed_ innocent people, Lexa. I can’t help but think about it. All the time.”

 

She takes a step closer to you and you are reminded of that time you backed her into a table.

 

“Do you think that things would have been any different if I had chosen you over my people?”

 

_Chosen you over my people_.

 

You blink, taken aback by her words and the honesty you see in her gaze.

 

“I—Yes.”

“What exactly would have been different? Their people would have died. My people would have died. _Your_ people would have died. The Mountain Men would have killed as many of them as possible.”

“We had allies in there. People who put themselves at risk to protect the Sky people. And I killed them _and the children_.”

 

You hate that it barely seems to affect Lexa. Even now she is in control of her emotions.

 

“Clarke, even if my warriors had gone with you, none of the Mountain Men would have survived.”

“You don’t know that.”

“You think you did something horrible, but you only did it to save your people, Clarke.”

“You should have been there.”

“I know,” Lexa says as she swallows hard.

“You thought I was going to die. You knew I wouldn’t give up on my people; that I would find a way to get inside. You left me to die, Lexa.”

“But you survived. You are stronger than you realize, Clarke. You survived and you came here to save my life. You had no obligation to do so. The alliance is dead. You could have left me to die to get your revenge.”

“I am not that kind of person. I try to save people, Lexa. I don’t condemn them to die.”

 

It is a low blow, but you can’t help yourself, you want to anger her as much as she has angered you. Lexa sees right through you, though, because she doesn’t take the bait. She stands tall, impassive, and waits for you to continue but you have nothing more to say. She seems to realize that because after a short silence, she is the one to speak.

 

“The innocent people in Mount Weather… Their deaths are not on you, Clarke. They are on me. I am responsible for them dying. Not you. Your actions were a consequence of my decision. Therefore you are not guilty, Clarke. I am. I will bear the burden because I might as well have killed them with my own hands."

“No, stop,” you say as you shake your head and step away from her.

 

Lexa respects your wish, as she always does—well, almost always—and she simply looks at you until you look back at her.

 

“I am not—I don’t want to place the blame on you.”

“That is exactly what you have been trying to do since you arrived here, Clarke. You need someone to tell you the truth, so that is what I am doing. You can blame me for the people who died in the Mountain. I will allow it because it is not wrong of you to do so.”

 

You really wish you didn’t care about her. Her words make your heart tighten to the point of pain.

 

“Go, now, Clarke of the Sky people. You came here to save my life and I am saved. My healer will keep an eye on me.”

“Are you telling me to leave?”

“It is what you need. Indra told me she found you in the woods. You should not be out there on your own. It’s dangerous.”

“I can take care of myself.”

 

Lexa raises an eyebrow, unconvinced.

 

“What? I can!”

“There is someone I trust—a leader of another clan. I will have someone take you there. You can stay as long as you want.”

“I don’t need your help.”

“It is near the ocean.”

 

She says that as if it is enough to make you yield and you really, really hate that it actually is. You’ve always wondered what the ocean looked like.

 

“Fine,” you relent.

 

Lexa nods once, her eyes soft again, and she walks toward the opening of the tent. Before she leaves, she says one more thing:

 

“I do not expect your forgiveness, Clarke, for what I did to you and your people. But know that you are welcome here in TonDC and any other village of the Trikru. Maybe one day you will even go to Polis.”

 

She turns back to look at you, pensive.

 

“Maybe we will meet again, there.”

 

You don’t even have time to formulate an answer, because Lexa leaves without looking back. You think that maybe, the two of you are destined to meet over and over again.

 

_May we meet again_ , you think. _And again. And again_.

 

And you hate it, because it means that one of you has to leave the other every single time, while the other watches, powerless to stop it.

 

And it sounds like an endless circle of pain.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one might seem a bit weird since it's an adaptation in the 3rd person of the first chapter. I apologize for that!

Indra finds Clarke in the woods, four days after her self-imposed exile from Camp Jaha.

 

“The Commander is dying,” she says.

 

Clarke feels the blood freeze in her veins.

 

She has a choice now. Go with Indra or walk away.

 

The general offers nothing more, no explanation, no plea for Clarke to follow her. She stands there and waits for the blonde to make a decision.

 

Clarke thinks of Lexa.

 

Lexa, the Commander, ruthless, heartless, brave, determined, _treacherous_.

 

Lexa, the girl, soft, understanding, caring, capable of love.

 

Clarke doesn’t know how to reconcile the two. She wonders if Lexa is the one who sent Indra to find her, if she is the one who asked to see her.

 

Lexa’s eyes, hard, unblinking, piercing through Clarke.

 

Lexa’s lips, gentle, warm, moving against hers.

 

“May we meet again,” she had said.

 

 _May we meet again_.

 

__

 

Indra leads Clarke through the forest, her pace fast and her jaw clenched so hard Clarke is afraid she’ll pop a vein. She doesn’t talk to her; in fact it’s almost as if Clarke is not here at all. Indra has never been fond of her anyway.

 

Clarke wants to ask what happened, why is Lexa dying, but her mouth is sewn shut by the resentment she feels for the Commander and the Grounders.

 

The walk to TonDC is short—Clarke had no idea she was so close—and soon enough she can see the wall built around the village.

 

Once she is inside, the silence is deafening. There is no one outside. The village seems dead and it fills her with a sense of dread.

 

Indra stops in front of the Commander’s tent and she speaks a few words to the guard posted there. He nods and walks away without a word. The general turns to Clarke and gestures for her to go in.

 

Apprehensively, she obeys.

 

__

 

The air is stuffy in the tent. There are candles lit and they cast a soft glow. Clarke’s eyes find the bed immediately and she has to put a hand on her mouth to stifle a gasp of surprise.

 

Lexa is lying on top of the furs, white gauze covering her chest and abdomen. She appears to be sleeping. Clarke approaches the bed cautiously, her hand still on her mouth, and settles beside the Commander.

 

There is perspiration on her temples, and her skin is pale—so very pale.

 

Slowly, the blonde lets her hand fall at her side, and then reaches out to touch Lexa’s forehead. She is cold, too cold. Clarke throws one of the furs on top of her, delicately, before going back outside.

 

Indra is waiting for her.

 

“What happened?” Clarke asks.

“The Commander was attacked yesterday by someone in the village.”

“What? Why?”

“Because of what she did at the Mountain. It may come to you as a surprise, but some of the Grounders did not appreciate that the Commander ordered the troops to retreat. They wanted to fight. They wanted vengeance. They did not like that Heda turned her back on the Skaikru.”

“One of them tried to kill her?”

 

The general looks away and nods sharply.

 

“Dolus was one of her guards. He took her by surprise yesterday morning and stabbed her three times before anyone could react. He is now awaiting death in a cage. We have traitors among us, Clarke of the Sky people.”

“But your healers; can’t they help?”

“They have done everything that they could but Heda has lost too much blood. Her body is not strong enough to fight for much longer. She is getting weaker every hour. It will not be long now.”

 

Clarke’s head is spinning. This can’t be happening. She may hate Lexa but she doesn’t want her dead. She never wanted her dead.

 

“We asked your people to help us but they refused.”

 

Indra’s words snap her out of her thoughts.

 

“What?”

“Your people refused to help us perform a blood transfer.”

“Blood transfusion. That would work. It would make her stronger. Wait, why did they refuse?”

 

Indra glares at her and Clarke feels dumb for asking.

 

“They don’t want to help because Lexa betrayed our alliance,” she guesses.

“Yes. They said that they do not want anything to do with the Grounders anymore. Your mother was quite adamant that not one of the Sky people should help us.”

 

Her dark eyes blaze with anger and Clarke shivers. If Lexa dies, there is no telling what kind of retribution the Grounders will seek against her people. Dolus stabbed his own Commander for the decision that she made and Clarke thinks it is much more of a punishment than Lexa deserved for her betrayal. There is no way the blonde is going to stand there and just watch her die.

 

“Give me a horse. I’m going back to Camp Jaha to gather medical supplies that I will need to do a blood transfusion.”

 

If Indra is bothered by Clarke giving her orders, she doesn’t show it. She motions for the guard who was posted in front of Lexa’s tent to come closer and speaks to him in Trigedasleng. A few minutes later, the man comes back with a light brown horse and he helps Clarke get on it.

 

“I will be back as soon as possible,” she promises as he hands her the reins. “Take good care of her while I’m gone.”

 

Clarke leaves a trail of dust behind her as the horse races out of TonDC.

 

__

 

Camp Jaha is less than an hour away on horseback.

 

“Open the gate,” Clarke yells as she arrives.

 

The guards do as she says and she doesn’t stop her horse until she’s in the middle of the camp. Abby comes out of her tent, and she smiles when she sees Clarke. A second later, as the blonde dismounts the horse, she sees her smile turn into a frown. Abby has probably just realized there is only one place Clarke could have gotten that horse.

 

“Clarke?” she asks questioningly.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” her daughter yells, uncaring that others are watching.

 

Abby takes her by the arm and leads her into her tent, where Kane is studying a map.

 

“Clarke, what is this? I haven’t seen you in days and you—“

“You’re refusing to save Lexa’s life?” she cuts her off.

“I—“

“What is wrong with you? You know we can save her; why wouldn’t you help?”

“Lexa left us all to die in Mount Weather.”

 

Clarke stares at her incredulously for a moment.

 

“She is a child; you are letting a child die. She is my age, mom!”

“She condemned us all to a terrible fate, Clarke. The Commander is no child. She betrayed us. She left us behind.”

“Well you’re here now, aren’t you? You didn’t die.”

 

Kane stands awkwardly a few feet behind the chancellor. Abby continues:

 

“We didn’t die because you saved us, Clarke. But look at what it did to you. You are broken, because of her.”

 

Clarke shakes her head and takes a step back.

 

“No. No. Lexa didn’t break me. I am not broken. Lexa was not the one who killed my father. She was not the one who sent me down here in the first place. Lexa did what she did to protect her people. I would have made the same choice. Do you hear me? _I would have made the same choice_.”

 

In that moment, Clarke realizes that she is vocalizing what she has known but refused to acknowledge ever since Lexa said “what you would have done.” Lexa had been right; Clarke thinks. If the deal had been offered to her, she would have chosen to save her people and let the Grounders be slaughtered. It hurts her to acknowledge it, to face the truth, because the decision would have torn her apart but she still would have made it. She would have left Lexa behind.

 

“So help me, mom, if Lexa dies I am holding you responsible and I will _not_ be here to see what happens next with the Grounders.”

 

Clarke doesn’t wait for an answer and storms out of the tent, almost knocking over Bellamy who was listening to her argument with her mother.

 

“Clarke, wait!” he says as she walks past him and in the direction of the part of the Ark where the medical supplies are kept.

“I don’t have time to talk, Bellamy.”

“I can go back to TonDC with you and help you with all the medical stuff if you need me.”

“Fine, whatever, but we have to hurry. I saw Lexa and…” her voice breaks. “It doesn’t look good.”

“She’ll be fine,” he tries to reassure her. “She’s a fighter.”

 

Clarke can’t get back on that horse fast enough.

 

__

 

On the way back to TonDC, Bellamy tells Clarke that he had no idea about Lexa. He has not seen Indra in Camp Jaha because he was out hunting for the most part of yesterday. She tells him that she’s not mad at him and urges the horse to go faster.

 

Indra is waiting for Clarke outside of the Commander’s tent and she hurries her inside as soon as her feet touch the ground. Nyko is by Lexa’s side, pressing a wet cloth to her forehead gently.

 

Indra orders him to step aside and he obeys immediately. Bellamy looks terribly nervous and Clarke touches his arm to reassure him—and also to reassure herself.

 

“I don’t suppose you know what blood type Lexa is?”

 

The general glares at the blonde and she shakes her head and sighs.

 

“Well, let’s hope we’ll find a right match. Does Lexa have any family around?”

“No,” Indra grunts.

“Great. Okay. Do you want to donate your blood then?”

“I will do whatever is necessary to save Heda’s life.”

 

There is not much for Bellamy to do, but he stays close and hands his friend whatever she needs when she asks for it. Clarke watches as the blood goes from Indra’s arm to Lexa’s. She forces herself to keep her eyes off of Lexa’s face—still so pale—and asks Nyko to fetch some food for Indra. She waits long minutes in silence, listening to Lexa’s rapid and shallow breathing. Indra remains stoic, unperturbed by the blood slowly leaving her body. When Clarke thinks it has been long enough and that she shouldn’t take more blood from Indra, she takes out the tube from her arm and wraps her arm with a thin strip of gauze. Nyko returns a moment later and he sits by Indra to offer her food. Bellamy squeezes Clarke’s shoulder and she smiles faintly at him.

 

Now she has to wait and watch over Lexa to see if her body rejects the blood or if she’s lucky enough to have chosen the right person to donate.

 

No one moves; everyone waits.

 

__

 

Clarke sighs in relief as she sees that Lexa’s cheeks have gained some color. It’s been two hours since Indra gave some of her blood, but the Commander is still weak and asleep. Clarke knows she needs more but Indra can’t give too much blood either. She thinks that, at least, Lexa is a bit stronger now than she was when she arrived earlier today.

 

Nyko asks Clarke and Bellamy to wait outside while he changes Lexa’s bandages.

 

Clarke takes a deep breath once she’s out in the open air and it makes her feel a bit better.

 

“She’ll be fine,” Bellamy says. “Don’t worry.”

“I’m not worried.”

 

Bellamy scoffs at her and she punches him lightly in the arm. He looks at her like he _knows_ though, and maybe Octavia has told him about Clarke and Lexa because he wasn’t here to witness it himself. But Clarke really doesn’t want to ask him.

 

The two of them wait until Nyko is finished, but then Bellamy says that he needs to head back to Camp Jaha and Indra gives orders for him to be accompanied by a group of warriors.

 

Clarke hugs Bellamy and thanks him for coming along. Once he and the warriors are out of her sight, she heads back inside of the Commander’s tent.

 

__

 

Lexa stirs but does not wake and Clarke waits another two hours before asking Indra if she feels strong enough to give more of her blood. She knows there is a margin, she hasn’t taken too much the first time, but there are delays to respect, except Clarke can’t afford to wait. Indra is willing to give as much blood as it takes—of course she is.

 

Clarke tells her to lie down on the bed and Indra looks at her as if she’s grown another head.

 

“This is the Commander’s bed.”

“Indra, you are going to feel very weak and you will need to be lying down. I don’t care whose bed this is. We need to do this now.”

 

She finally agrees and does as she is told.

 

“Hopefully what I can take from you will be enough.”

“Why isn’t she awake?” Indra asks in her usual grumpy tone.

“Her body needs to rest. If we’re lucky she might wake in a few hours. But she’ll be very weak.”

 

Indra nods and she says nothing else. Once the blonde is done, she tells the general not to get up and she brings her some more food.

 

“Stay here, Indra. You need to rest. Lexa is not going to wake up now so you can sleep if you want and no one but me will ever know about it, okay?”

 

Her glare makes Clarke smile softly, because it is exactly what she expected of Indra. Clarke takes the chair on the other side of the room and brings it closer to the bed where the two Grounders are resting.

 

“I will keep everyone out of this tent, except the healer so that he can change Lexa’s bandages.”

 

Indra nods, and she closes her eyes soon after.

 

__

 

Clarke is almost asleep on her chair when Lexa sighs and her hand moves slowly, fisting the fur beneath her.

 

“Lexa?” the blonde whispers.

 

Indra startles and wakes instantly, a hand on the knife at her side.

 

“It’s okay,” Clarke says quickly. “How are you feeling?”

“I am fine.”

 

The general gets up, slowly, and takes a few shaky steps.

 

“You should eat more and go to your tent to sleep some more. You will feel a bit weak for a few hours but it’s perfectly normal.”

“Yes. I will send you the healer for Heda.”

“Thank you.”

 

__

 

Lexa wakes up an hour later, while Clarke’s back is turned. She is actually washing her face in a basin full of water that the healer brought in for her so she doesn’t even see it right away. It’s when she turns back after drying her face that her eyes meet Lexa’s and Clarke startles.

 

“Lexa?”

“So we meet again,” the Commander says.

 

Her voice is feeble and raspy but she is conscious and that’s very good news. Clarke sits on the side of the bed and puts her hand on the brunette’s forehead. She lets her do it and keeps her eyes on Clarke’s face.

 

“You don’t have a fever so that’s a good sign. How are you feeling?”

“Why are you here?” Lexa asks instead of answering the question.

 

Clarke pours water in a cup and brings it to Lexa’s lips. She drinks slowly, watching her the whole time.

 

“Why are you here, Clarke,” she repeats when Clarke puts the cup down.

“I heard you were hurt. Dying, actually.”

 

She nods and closes her eyes.

 

“Sleep,” the blonde says, “you need to regain your strength. You’ve lost a lot of blood.”

“Dolus?”

“He’s been arrested. I suppose your people are waiting for you to get better and kill him yourself.”

 

It is meant to be sarcastic but Lexa nods again, seriously, and Clarke sighs.

 

“How long have you been here?”

“I don’t know. Half a day, maybe.”

“You should rest, Clarke. I am fine.”

“You almost bled out. Your injuries are serious. You’re not fine, Lexa.”

“I am alive. Time will heal me. I thank you for your help but you are not needed here anymore.”

 

She is dismissing Clarke and suddenly the blonde is angry with her.

 

“What is your problem? You were _dying_ ; you need someone to look over you!”

 

But Lexa does not even open her eyes and Clarke leaves the tent, fuming.

 

__

 

 

It takes Clarke quite a bit of time to realize why Lexa has been so cold with her. When she understands it, she goes back to the Commander’s tent and finds her on the bed, staring at the space above her.

 

“You don’t get to feel guilty.”

“Clarke?”

 

She seems genuinely confused.

 

“You want me away from you because you feel guilty about what you did in the Mountain.”

“Clarke—“

“No, I’m not done. You can’t just send me away because you can’t face me. It was your choice, Lexa. You left me and my people behind. You thought I was going to die. You refused to help me. And now, now I am helping you and you feel guilty that I can do what you couldn’t.”

“I am tired.”

“I don’t care. If you want to sleep, sleep. But don’t tell me to leave just to relieve your guilt. I survived. I _survived_ you leaving me behind, Lexa. You deal with it.”

 

The two of them don’t speak after that. Clarke watches as Lexa falls asleep.

 

__

 

Four days later and Lexa can finally stand up. Her legs are strong enough to support her and she walks, albeit slowly and only in her tent. She absolutely refuses to go outside.

 

“My people can’t see me that weak, Clarke,” she tells the blonde over and over again.

 

Clarke stops arguing with her about it after a day. Lexa doesn’t try to send her away again. She rarely looks her in the eye, though. Clarke thinks she was right and Lexa feels guilty. She thinks she should. She will never forgive the Commander for what happened in Mount Weather. Clarke is pretty sure Lexa does not expect her to.

 

__

 

Time passes and Clarke stays in TonDC. The Grounders accept her among them. They respect her for what she did in Mount Weather. They respect her for saving their Heda’s life. Clarke is still angry over their betrayal and they seem to sense it, because they stay away from her unless she actively seeks them out.

 

Lexa appears in front of her people a week and a half after she was almost stabbed to death. She is still far from her usual self, but the people needs reassurance. Her attacker, Dolus, is taken to the tree in front of the entire village. When he sees Clarke, he yells that he did that to avenge the Sky people. She has to turn away and leave. She cannot watch him die.

 

__

 

Ten days later, Lexa comes to find Clarke in the tent the Grounders have set up for her.

 

“Thank you,” she says abruptly.

“For what?”

“Saving my life. We both know you did not have to. Not after what I did.”

“Why did you do it, Lexa? I know that some of your people would have died if you had refused the deal. I know that. But… you sacrificed people in TonDC. You were ready to sacrifice others in Mount Weather. Yet you changed your mind.”

“What is done is done, Clarke. It is not helpful to dwell on the past.”

“I _killed_ innocent people, Lexa. I can’t help but think about it. All the time.”

 

She takes a step closer to Clarke and the latter is reminded of that time she backed the Commander into a table.

 

“Do you think that things would have been any different if I had chosen you over my people?”

 

 _Chosen you over my people_.

 

Clarke blinks, taken aback by her words and the honesty she sees in Lexa’s gaze.

 

“I—Yes.”

“What exactly would have been different? Their people would have died. My people would have died. _Your_ people would have died. The Mountain Men would have killed as many of them as possible.”

“We had allies in there. People who put themselves at risk to protect the Sky people. And I killed them _and the children_.”

 

She hates that it barely seems to affect Lexa. Even now she is in control of her emotions.

 

“Clarke, even if my warriors had gone with you, none of the Mountain Men would have survived.”

“You don’t know that.”

“You think you did something horrible, but you only did it to save your people, Clarke.”

“You should have been there.”

“I know,” Lexa says as she swallows hard.

“You thought I was going to die. You knew I wouldn’t give up on my people; that I would find a way to get inside. You left me to die, Lexa.”

“But you survived. You are stronger than you realize, Clarke. You survived and you came here to save my life. You had no obligation to do so. The alliance is dead. You could have left me to die to get your revenge.”

“I am not that kind of person. I try to save people, Lexa. I don’t condemn them to die.”

 

It is a low blow, but Clarke can’t help herself, she wants to anger Lexa as much as she has angered her. Lexa sees right through Clarke, though, because she doesn’t take the bait. She stands tall, impassive, and waits for Clarke to continue but she has nothing more to say. Lexa seems to realize that because after a short silence, she is the one to speak.

 

“The innocent people in Mount Weather… Their deaths are not on you, Clarke. They are on me. I am responsible for them dying. Not you. Your actions were a consequence of my decision. Therefore you are not guilty, Clarke. I am. I will bear the burden because I might as well have killed them with my own hands."

“No, stop,” Clarke says as she shakes her head and steps away from Lexa.

 

Lexa respects her wish, as she always does—well, almost always—and she simply looks at the blonde until she looks back at her.

 

“I am not—I don’t want to place the blame on you.”

“That is exactly what you have been trying to do since you arrived here, Clarke. You need someone to tell you the truth, so that is what I am doing. You can blame me for the people who died in the Mountain. I will allow it because it is not wrong of you to do so.”

 

Clarke really wishes she didn’t care about Lexa because these words make her heart tighten to the point of pain.

 

“Go, now, Clarke of the Sky people. You came here to save my life and I am saved. My healer will keep an eye on me.”

“Are you telling me to leave?”

“It is what you need. Indra told me she found you in the woods. You should not be out there on your own. It’s dangerous.”

“I can take care of myself.”

 

Lexa raises an eyebrow, unconvinced.

 

“What? I can!”

“There is someone I trust—a leader of another clan. I will have someone take you there. You can stay as long as you want.”

“I don’t need your help.”

“It is near the ocean.”

 

She says that as if it is enough to make Clarke yield and the blonde really, really hates that it actually is. She has always wondered what the ocean looked like.

 

“Fine,” Clarke relents.

 

Lexa nods once, her eyes soft again, and she walks toward the opening of the tent. Before she leaves, she says one more thing:

 

“I do not expect your forgiveness, Clarke, for what I did to you and your people. But know that you are welcome here in TonDC and any other village of the Trikru. Maybe one day you will even go to Polis.”

 

She turns back to look at Clarke, pensive.

 

“Maybe we will meet again, there.”

 

Clarke doesn’t even have time to formulate an answer, because Lexa leaves without looking back. She thinks that maybe, the two of them are destined to meet over and over again.

 

 _May we meet again_ , Clarke thinks. _And again. And again_.

 

And she hates it, because it means that one of them has to leave the other every single time, while the other watches, powerless to stop it.

 

And it sounds like an endless circle of pain.


End file.
